19 Days: One Man's Journey Through Grief

Excerpts from the book

Friends don't burden others.

It is not your job to make it easier for people to deal with their grief. It is also not your job to help them figure out their next steps, unless this is something you truly want to do. I remember one of Ruth’s friends saying to me, “I don’t know how I am going to go on. I don’t know what to do next.” Yea, sorry, but please don’t put that burden on me. Go find your own counselor and support network, but don’t include me as part of that. Yes, people will want to share stories as I said earlier, but there is no obligation to you to be their personal counselor either. Friends support each other, they don’t burden each other. You will find the balance and learn how to manage through it. There are some people you will take a time out from, and that is perfectly fine.

There are some people you will take a time out from, and that is perfectly fine.
It is not your job to help them figure out their next steps, unless this is something you truly want to do.

Time does not heal all wounds.

“Time heals all wounds.” Bullshit. Time allows you to find ways to cope. Time may lessen the wound or the scab, but there is always a scar there. Healing is finding a normalcy to how you will live your life for that next chapter, no longer how long it is.

I encourage you to focus on what makes you happy going forward, as this next chapter of your life will be shorter than the last, that I can almost assure you.

Addressing the elephant.

There are people that are hesitant to speak about the situation you are in. As if mentioning it will bring up sad feelings, or that you might break down and cry, or whatever other goofy thought is in their head. That's ok and there is nothing wrong with keeping these people active in your life. ... If something reminds me of Ruth, or reminds me of a story involving her, I tell it. If someone talks about a trip they had taken or are planning to take and Ruth and I had been there, I talk about what we liked or didn’t like, in the same way as if she was sitting next to me still. There is nothing wrong with that. I talk about things that bugged her or was a pet peeve of hers if I see it in front of me. It helps ease the tension and I would encourage you to do that. Death is an uncomfortable topic. It always will be because it is an unknown. Becoming familiar with it and being able to discuss it is helpful to you as well as to others. ... Ruth was part of my entire life. Her memory and events will always be present with me. You cannot avoid that.

I found that addressing the elephant in the room is an excellent way to help them to relax.
Choose your moments, but don’t overdo it either. You will know and your true friends will understand.

Stay connected - not just digitally.

Technology is wonderful as we can order everything online from groceries to clothes to books and everything in between. My caution to you is, be aware of when you are not interacting with others. There are times where I want to stay in bed all day, or at home and not interact with others. Occasionally, no problem.

Weeks at a time, you may need to get some outside advice or counsel. You certainly have the right to be quiet, or even to sulk when out and about, but closing off everything and everyone eventually will become harmful to you. It may seem like you are taking a chance to step out, but your mental well-being could depend on it.

Struggle points.

You will hit these struggle points. It could be an event, a song, a show, who knows, but it will hit you like a ton of bricks. In a matter of an hour I went from being sad to being mad and back again. I was frustrated and trying to figure out why the hell I was sitting in a hotel room in Dubuque all by myself. I went down the road of “what did I do to deserve this” as well. This was not in a self-pity way, but the frustration side of things. You lead what you think is a good life, you are nice to people, you had a good career, great kids, and then boom! The rug gets jerked out from under you. There is no logic, no reasons and the fact that you don’t see it coming makes it that much worse. Frustrating. Maddening. This and all other emotions you want to throw in there. In a word, this sucks.

It could be an event, a song, a show, who knows, but it will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Small steps, small choices.

Do what you can to keep options available to you and in front of you. That can be related to travel, your support network, your work or anything else that will offer you support and comfort.

Routines are a positive, the challenge you are having now is recognizing what is the positive or correct choice. Small steps. Small choices. They will add up for you to be able to move forward.